My life in spurts

Mind's eye

2011-07-28T20:25:00.000-07:00

When the fatigue stops me, I can't help but wonder...
Will this always be what it is?
Will it ever expand beyond this?
When will I have more time?
When will my energy overflow and the productivity abound?
How is it that some people do this on just 4 hours of sleep?
Is it legal to be that productive on so little sleep?
Where is it?
What is it?
What's the secret? And does the secret change with time and age?
Will it ever change?
And in the midst of my stream of consciousness,
somehow I lose my awareness.
I am covered by the serenity of sleep, left to do nothing more than to rest
and be still.
Somewhere weaved between moments of wakefulness and slumber
I am prayerful
that with morning, answers will rise to the surface of wonder
Clearing my mind and intentions
while creating space for something new.

Princess Serena

2011-07-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

There you were, dancing in waves
Swirling and moving without a care
As if you didn't know your body was so frail
Wrought with sickness but yet still whole
Your spirit shone a light that was so bright
I could never forget it
I knew that soul
I saw that soul and cared for it before,
Admired its perfect beauty
Without knowing, you taught me so much
Gave a gift that could never be replaced
Etched your little self into my heart,
Like so many others I called patient
And though you didn't remember me
You once called me doctor
You didn't remember me
But I will always remember you
The perfect princess, the fighter
Who with years gone by
Still remains
A divine light

Wow! It's been a while! Renewing commitments, returning to my passion.

2010-07-28T05:52:00.000-07:00

My lovely partner told me out of the blue when he picked me up for our first date over a year ago, "You are a Writer. I was entering your name into my address book today and for some reason I just entered, Khaliah the writer." I was a bit (actually very) taken aback by his eerie clairvoyance and even more so by his absolute declaration...self-assured, without any question, he knew this woman whom he really didn't know at all was a writer. Perhaps I was so affected by his statement because I never really thought of myself as that. I knew I loved to write, and I knew that for me personally, writing was a powerful outlet for self-study and reflection. But I never claimed to be a writer. I guess we tend to put a lot of weight into titles. And the act of announcing oneself as something carries responsibility. If I called myself a writer, well, that would mean that I had to be writing. Regularly. All the time. And there were so many things about myself and my life that I loved, but had lost, during my medical training.

Being a physician is amazing. There are few other fields that allow you to explore and internalize a body of knowledge the way that one does when studying medicine. And then to have the opportunity to put that knowledge to practice, while simultaneously building thought-provoking, life changing relationships with other human beings...it is amazing. The process of learning and practicing medicine is purely gorgeous. But getting to experience the richness of medicine, for me, meant sacrificing other things that I loved. It meant relinquishing some of the creative endeavors that felt so naturally a part of me, but that there just wasn't enough time for. In order to make space in my mind, my heart, and frankly- my schedule for the practice of medicine, I had to let those other parts of myself loose.

In retrospect, as I sit here now having completed residency, trying to put the pieces of myself back together, I recognize that my spirit suffered when I let go of those parts of myself that were so special. Like that part of me that was regularly nudged by the excitement of sitting down for an afternoon, working with beads and metal to make a really beautiful pair of earrings (that no one else in the world would have!). Or the side of me that could go crazy with a camera while traveling, capturing moments and faces that I would likely never see again. And the segment of my life, my being, that I treasured the most...the part that became so overwhelmed by the peace, comfort, and satisfaction that came from putting my words and thoughts down...letting them go to take on a life and meaning of there own. Usually, I could only begin to fathom the significance of my words once I re-read them and digested them, at a later time and place. At times over and over again. This process was so healing, so therapeutic.

But somehow, writing for me turned into a chore. I think this happened around the middle of second year of residency...when I started to count up all the unfinished manuscripts I had written, all of the poetry journals I had stacked up on my shelf with blank pages that needed to be filled, all of the days that had gone by since I last visited my blog to author a new post. I started feeling guilty about abandoning my passion. I felt guilty that at the end of a 13-hour day on the wards, I couldn't force myself to stay up twenty more minutes to start working on that reflection piece I was formulating in my head, or the poem that was inspired by a little girl I had cared for earlier that day. And my tendency is that when I feel guilty about something, I avoid it.

So for the last three years, I've avoided something that I love so much. And all the while the love grew stronger and stronger, and the guilt associated with the abandonment became more powerful. It is only recently, in reconnecting with all parts of my self (mind, body, and spirit), that I have come to recognize that nothing is more important than love when it comes to my writing. Nothing is more important than how I feel when I am able to make the time to write, when I am able to simply be in the moment and forget about the guilt, focusing instead on the art and craft of this powerful form of self-expression.

So after a year and a half, I return to my blog in efforts of breathing life back into this very treasured part of myself. The part of myself that will continue to tell stories, and continue to find meaning in putting my words and thoughts down.

I have so much gratitude that I am, and always will be, a writer.

Changes

2009-01-18T07:01:00.000-08:00

Has it really been almost three months since I made my last post??? This is crazy! (lol). I love that I have my blog though, this medium through which (when I do have the time), I can stop for a moment, pause, and reflect. There have been so many things that have transpired over the last several months that have made me think, "I would love to write about this on my blog." But what has stopped me has been the inability to stop (smile)...for long enough to get some of it out.

Just this past Friday I was given the most amazing gift in the world (or at least if feels that way to me, at this point in my life)...a three day weekend! No travel plans, no immediate deadlines, no expectations. So I've been able to slow down for a little bit. I thought it would be the perfect time for me to get back in the saddle and write some. It's a much welcomed change.

Speaking of change, we're entered into a new year since I last posted. Though I'm so thankful for the course my life has taken and can honestly say that each year has brought its own incredible occurrences, the thought of 2009 makes me particularly emotional. I just went to hear President-elect Barak Obama speak at the War Memorial in downtown Baltimore yesterday, and watched through tears as he talked about the road he has traveled to the White House. Though he will be faced with many challenges while in office that in present may seem insurmountable, I have undeniable faith that our country and world will see better times under his leadership. The foundation of hope he has created for us motivates me to take the work that I do both here in Baltimore and in other parts of the world to another level...in 2009 and beyond.

As hard as I work (especially in the face of some of the challenges that came up in 2008), I've realized that I have to take responsibility for shaping the direction in which all areas of my life will move, not just my career. I'm turning 30 this year!! This realization is incredibly exciting, but also very sobering. I have spent so much of my life training, learning, and striving to get to the next step in this process of becoming a doctor. There is definitely part of me that has come to acknowledge that I've lost some parts of myself in this process. I've sacrificed a lot of the fun and spontaniety of the 20's to walk this road. And though I have no regrets, as I enter my 30's, I am going to do so with a degree of consciousness that I didn't have for the last 10 years. There are a number of women in my life whom I respect and admire greatly whom I have talked with recently about the 30's, and they all say the same thing, "My thirties were the best years of my life." This year, I am committing myself to living the best years of my life as fully as possible, with eyes wide open.

Having said that, I've already identified some changes that I'm going to make in this new year, yet haven't yet stopped to write them down. But writing things down has always helped me to bring my thoughts to life and put them to action. So hear it goes!

Changes and ambitions for 2009
1. Be seen!! I'm going to make an effort to step out more this year, both locally and in some other locales I've been dying to visit. Possible trips this year: Europe, Miami (can you believe I still haven't been??!), Chicago, and the usual must have at least every 6-12 months or will die trip to Cali :-)

2. Nurture thy family. I brought in the New Year with my family this year, and there is no other way I would have rather spent it. It set the tone for some of the changes I'd like to make in months to come. More quality time (even if its as simple as more phone calls) with those who love me best, mom, dad, and Nai.

3. You have a feminine side...let it out! So this is my mom's nagging voice in my ear, "remember that you are a beautiful young woman and you have to let your femininity out sometime!!" Okay mom, I hear you, and I agree. I will make more time to play at Sephora and Vicki's Secret, and of course to doll myself up when I step out now and again.

4. Define my style. I've always loved fashion, and I love the attention and respect that a confident, well dressed woman commands. And many women I know have defined their personal style in their 30's. This year I'm going to work on my wardrobe...so more budgeting for sample-sale shopping trips to NY! (smile)

5. Get my hustle on! I thank God for and am excited by some of the financial moves and decisions I've been able to make in the last 1-2 years. But in order to afford much of the above :-), I'd like to come up with some creative, low-stress, and fun ways to make a little extra money on the side in '09.

These ambitions are definitely a change from my standard. And I feel really good acknowledging that. And of course, the usual New Year's resolutions apply: I will continue to put my best foot and efforts forward in my career, I will work more on getting to the gym and eating well, I will take care of my friendships, I will pray more and try to always remember to turn to God in both good times and bad. Oh, and of course, I will post more often to my blog :-)

Looking forward to all the joy, success, and change that 2009 will bring!

No rest for the weary

2008-10-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the toughest thing about residency is the infringement it makes on your personal time. No matter if you've had a restful weekend off, whenever you go back to the grind it just seems to inevitably suck the life out of you. And that restful weekend off subsequently seems so far in the distance.
No number of weekends off, 9-hour shifts (so much better than 24 hour ones), or other short breaks away from the hospital can eliminate the fatigue that I feel when I'm done with a crazy shift in the ED. And without fail, it always seems to be that I can't get out on time. I get trapped! And there goes another hour of my personal time. There goes the 7 hours-of-sleep night rest in exchange for the 5 and 1/2 hour one.
Right now, I'm sick of the trade offs.

Sometimes the love is not enough to buffer disappointments

2008-10-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

I love my work as a pediatrician-in-training. Every time that I look at the faces of one of my little patients, participate in their dreams of what the want to be when they grow up, or hold the hand of their parents as we talk through difficult news related to their child's health, I feel that there's no other job that I'd rather be doing. However, there definitely are times where that love is challenged...when things happen that make me feel frustrated and challenge my faith in our sometimes flawed judgment as human beings.

The other afternoon, I was working on the urgent care side of our pediatric emergency department. One of our nurses came and told me about a three year old child waiting in triage who had accidentally ingested bleach. There was subsequently a buzz of conversation between several staff members regarding the sequence of events that lead up to the child's presentation to the ED. About fourty-five minutes prior, a call had come over our box from an EMT who was in route with the child and was seeking support with management. The EMT informed all health care providers who had received the call(including my attending) that the patient had climbed up on a book shelf and reached a bowl of bleach that had been left there by an adult in the household. After having ingesting a small amount of the bleach, the child began vomited profusely, at which point his mother found him, realized what he had did, and called 911. In arriving to the scene to assess the child, the EMT found an alert and well-appearing, yet shaken-up three year old. He wondered if the child needed to be brought into an emergency room to be assessed, or if the situation could be managed at home, with the assistance of poison control. The poison control expert who participated in the conference call agreed, as did my attending, that bleach ingestions (particularly those that are of small volume) can typically be managed very easily at home with ingestion of water and frequent phone calls from poison control to the household to check in on the status of the patient. Yet apparently, when this child's mother had been informed of this recommendation that came from experienced health care providers who have taken care of many children with ingestions, she still insisted that the EMT bring her child to the ED to be evaluated. So alas, forty-five minutes later, here was the child in our ED, and I was the one who was to evaluate him.

I feel very strongly about the role parents play as advocates for their children and their children's health. It is my job to help parents see to it that their children are well and recover from their illnesses as smoothly and painlessly as possible. So when I encounter a parent who insists that certain things are provided for their child, I am eager to listen and respond. In fact, the role of working in concert with parents as an advocate for their children is perhaps the aspect of my job that I take the most pride in. So as I went in to see this patient, I felt that I was going to do everything I could to make sure that this child, who's mother was clearly very concerned about his well-being, was evaluated thoroughly. I talked with the mother about what had happened that lead up to her son ingesting the bleach, and she seemed very fuzzy on the details. "Um, I mean, I think he just got up there and got into something he shouldn't have. I don't know how he got up there, he just did." I asked where she had been when the ingestion took place and she responded defensively, "I was taking care of something else in the house at the time."

I tried to remain neutral, asking questions matter-of-factly, according to the script that many of us pediatric residents have likely compiled in our heads for use in instances when children are victims of accidents at home. Though the vast majority of the time incidents like this one simply occur secondary to oversight, the fact of the matter is that in these cases, the child advocates in us have to think about the possibility of abuse or neglect. As much as we want to support parents and believe they want the best for their children, we first and foremost have to protect our patients. Part of being a good resident is compiling the best differential diagnosis that you can and in this instance, abuse and neglect have to remain on the differential. Despite knowing this, I didn't want that reality to affect my interaction with this mother. I proceeded calmly through the interview and examined the little boy (who was rambunctious and healthy-appearing). At the end of it all, I put all the pieces of the history and physical together and concluded that the ingestion was most likely just do to "an accident", and was already planning in my mind the conversation I would have with mom prior to discharge about safety in the home.

While I was in with the family, Poison Control had called to recommend that the child be observed in the pediatric emergency room for approximately one hour and mentioned that if he had no nausea or vomiting after ingesting a given quantity of water, he could be discharged home. When I explained this to the mother and informed her that we were going to check toxicology screens on the child (just to be thorough in our evaluation), she seemed very resistant and said, "he looks fine, why do you all need to watch him that long?"

If I were in a cartoon-drawing at that point in time, I'm sure there would have been a bubble with a question mark inside floating over my head. At that point, I realized that my patient's mother may have perceived us as being on different pages.

"Didn't you want to come here to make sure that your child was okay?", I thought to myself. "Isn't that the reason you insisted that he be brought here by ambulance despite the fact that you were told that he would be okay to follow-up with poison control at home?" I pushed the perhaps somewhat judgmental thoughts to the back of my mind and responded to the mom's inquiry by explaining that the hour of time would give us the opportunity to make sure that her son would not run into any problems that we may not be able to foresee if we didn't observe him and also would allow us to get the results of the toxicology screening back (just in case there was something else in the cleaning solution that the child had ingested none of us were aware of, which might change our management). After the explanation, she agreed to stay, seemingly without any reluctance. Meanwhile, despite Spongebob being on the TV in the examination room, my little patient kept saying, "I want to go home, I want to go home (understandably, why would any three year old want to spend his afternoon in the emergency department)!" He perked right up when I told him I would look for a toy to keep him entertained while we waited. "I want a fire-truck!" So there I went, in search for a fire-truck for my patient.

I was excited to find the exact thing my little patient had requested in our Child Life toy cabinet. I brought it back to him, and went about taking care of some matters for a few other patients. About five minutes later I noticed the patient and his mother had their coats on and were walking toward the front door. I asked the mother, "Where are you going? You aren't planning on leaving are you? He hasn't had enough to drink yet and it hasn't been an hour."

She replied, "No, no, I'm just going out front to look for my daughter. We'll be right back."

Several more minutes went by and as I carried on with the work up of a patient who was in a motor-vehicle accident, I paused and wondered, "Did they really leave?" I went and asked the nurse that was working with me if he had seen the boy and his mom and he said no. When I explained to him what I thought had happened, he went out and inquired with security about whether or not they knew anything. Five minutes later our security guard came back and told us that several people had confirmed they saw the two leaving the building together.

At that moment, a number of motions flooded me. I felt confused, angry, frustrated, and worried. Why would someone bring their child to be seen at the hospital and then decide that they didn't want to wait to make sure everything was okay? Why didn't this mom see us as being on the same page in wanting what was best for her child? And what if something positive came back on her child's toxicology screen, and we had trouble getting in touch with her to advise her appropriately? There was a part of me that felt her actions were somewhat selfish and unwise. As I turned those feelings over in my mind, another series of questions came up for me. As the EMT was explaining to her that her child could be safely managed at home, why didn't she stop and think that the resources of that ambulance ride could have been used to transport another child to the emergency room who may have been somewhere else on the edge of life, in respiratory distress or cardiac arrest? Did she even know the number to poison control to follow-up if her son started to have new symptoms at home? Had she asked any questions about how to prevent similar accidents in the future? I put my head down on my desk and sighed. Inside, I knew he would be just fine and that if something else went wrong at home, she would find a way to get him back to the ED. I acknowledged to myself that sometimes it just sucks when you are trying your best for your patients and their parents and you feel as though your efforts are overlooked. I lifted my head and went to finish up things with my other patient who was awaiting care.

And then my heart sunk when I walked by the little boy's empty room, and realized that not only had he and his mother left, but they had left with the fire truck.

Sushi Love!

2008-09-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

"What is she doing eating sushi in China?!!", you might ask. Well, I just had perhaps one of the most incredible dining experiences of my life, so much so that I had to try to put the experience down in text.

Cheri and I have been having such a blast zipping around Beijing. One of the highlights of this trip (as I've mentioned in previous posts) has been the food. We decided to treat ourselves to fancy dinners on our last two nights here. This evening, we dined at Yotsuba, a traditional-style Japanese restaurant that is known locally as a "gem" within the city. We arrived to find locals dining with their shoes off at low seated sushi bars and private rooms, enjoying the peaceful ambiance while eating at their own pace. We then sat down to two and a half hours of a leisurely experience that can be described only as self-indulgent(but well-deserved) decadence.

We started with warm sake and green tea (which prepared our palates beautifully for the sushi love that was to come), and then moved on to perfectly prepared, flavor crab-miso soup. Our second appetizer course included a beautifully arranged plate of steamed okra with tempura flakes, cherry tomatoes, and a marinated sea-snail accented with sea salt. We also enjoyed wasabi flavored octopus salad and ginko nuts, which neither of us had previously tried. The ginkgo nut is the hard-shelled kernel of the fruit of the maidenhair tree, one of the earth's most ancient plants; it is thought to bring good fortune to those who eat it (we were feeling lucky tonight- :-)). I would describe the ginko nuts as little nuggets of joy in a pistacio-like shell. So yummy!!

There was a beautiful, "seasoned and experienced" Taiwanese couple (who live in the neighborhood of the restaurant and, as we learned in conversation, dine there on a weekly basis) who sat beside us at the sushi bar. They mistook us for foreign-locals that were dining out after work (and we happily accepted the compliment). We asked them for their recommendations on what to order, and they said that we couldn't leave without trying the unagi. But of course! Unagi is one of our favorites!

The absolute highlight of the meal was the fish...that is, ahem, flown in daily from Japan. We had a sampling of shrimp, fatty salmon, roe, flat-fish, and tuna sushi...each piece unfolded in our mouth like pure treasures. I welcomed the surprise of the fresh and flavorful quality of each and every bite. Our entree experience was rounded out by the finest yellow-tail sashimi and unagi sushi I have ever had in my life. To be honest, there are no words for what the unagi was. Pure buttery, rich, savory and sweet goodness (that's a shot, but still doesn't do it justice).

One of Cheri and I's Bay area traditions was to visit our favorite San Francisco sushi restaurant together, "Sushi Zone." Tonight was sushi zone to the 10th power. Absolutely oustanding. And what made it all the more special is that we shared in it together...close girlfriends, celebrating the end of two wonderful weeks of travel together, as well as our accomplishment of making this trip happen. How awesome...eating some of the finest sushi on EARTH with one of my finest friends. I guess we truly are big girls now, taking the world by storm, and loving every moment of it.

Here's to Sushi love, to travel, and to best friends.

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Chic cuts, cute gadgets, and photos (9/17-9/18)

2008-09-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

As much as we all hate stereotypes and generalizations :-), I definitely have observed a number of things about people in Beijing that are striking enough that I felt them worth mentioning in my blog (mainly because they are really cool, endearing, or fascinating characteristics). For one, the young Asian women here (from pre-teen probably to early 40’s) are incredibly stylish. They are always dressed to the T, with all kinds of funky and creative ensembles that make them look as though they walked right out of a Anthropologie, Urban outfitters, or Theory advertisement (so yes, a wide range of funky and creative). I have been told that most of them buy their clothes at discounted markets, where you can haggle with vendors to get knock-offs of the latest designers’ threads. Everything about these women is chic, from their shoes, to their glasses, to their hair cuts. But by far, the hair cuts are the most chic. Bobs with sharp, asymmetrical lines; soft layers that frame the face; shags; crops…you name it, they’ve got it, and they pull if off impeccably. I definitely could use a new pair of glasses to jazz up life a bit, so I’ll likely be going to the market to score my own pair of trendy frames before heading home :-).

There is also an obsession here (or perhaps it is just a characteristic of the culture) with all things cute. Most things are small, from the taxis, to the food portions, to the clothing sizes. But things are small in a practical way…why make things bigger than they really need to be? The way consumer goods are packaged in sweet little wrappers with slick and colorful Chinese characters is very, well frankly… cute! And adorable little cartoon characters are abundant in marketing here. A perfect example are the Olympic and Paralympic mascots, Fuwa and Fu Nie Lele. Fuwa consists of 5 characters, each bearing the colors of one of the five Olympic rings. In the ancient culture of China, there is a tradition of spreading good wishes through signs and symbols. Each of Fuwa symbolizes a different blessing -- prosperity, happiness, passion, health and good luck. The intention of the Chinese government and Olympics marketing team was supposedly to spread these blessings to every continent as Fuwa carried their invitation to Beijing 2008 to every part of the globe. Lele, the paralympic mascot, is a cow. In China, cows are symbolic of a down-to-earth, diligent, never-say-die spirit. Lele was adopted by the paralympic games to show the unrelenting spirit of athletes with a disability in being the best they can be. I love it…cute with meaning and purpose!

Another obsession here…cameras!! Maybe it just feels that way because the Olympics have been going on and everyone around the stadiums and on the subways heading to the stadiums carries a camera. But there seems to be this frenzy with capturing images of anything novel and exciting. I’ve even seen every day people in the city center (far away from the Olympic game park) carrying cameras and just snapping away at people or buildings that peak their interest. And people love posing for photos. Every day at stadiums, there were all kinds of elaborate poses being struck in front of the Water Cube and Bird’s Nest. It is so hilarious!

The 17th was the closing ceremony of the Paralympics. Cheri raced the marathon that morning, placing an awesome fifth with a time of one hour, forty minutes, and four seconds (could you imagine completing a 26 mile journey by foot or cycle in less than two hours???!!). It was one of her best times ever, and an incredible way for her to wrap up her successes here at Beijing. That evening, all of the athletes, officials of the games, dignitaries, and 90,000 spectators gathered in the Bird’s Nest to commemorate the end of a two-week long event that holds so much significance, on so many levels. The ceremony was by far the single most spectacular performance I have seen ever seen in my life. The theatrics, organization, and enthusiasm of everyone watching was simply beautiful. I couldn’t believe I was sitting in that stadium, witnessing something so incredible that words can’t even describe it. When the ceremony was finishing and I watched the Olympic torch burn out from outside of the stadium, I thought about all of the energy and effort that had been put into orchestrating this phenomenal experience…I thought about what a different world we would live in if each of us could hold a fraction of the strength that each Paralympian who made it here to compete holds in their day to day lives. I said goodbye to the Paralympic Games reflecting on my own commitment to justice and equality, and a renewed spirit for the human rights endeavors I hope to pursue in my own career.

The following morning, Cheri and I met at the airport and said our goodbyes to her parents (which are now my adoptive parents :-) ) and head off for Southern China, for five days of rest and relaxation. As we flew into Guilin and looked over the stretches of green and breath-taking mountains, I smiled in anticipation of the adventures that were sure to come.

Measures of success (9/13-9/15)

2008-09-16T15:24:00.001-07:00

As the week presses on here in China, I've gotten to take part in more of the exciting aspects of the Paralympics. On Sunday Cheri and I went to a men's wheelchair rugby game, the dynamic action of which is highlighted in the documentary film "Murderball (highly recommend watching if you haven't seen it yet)." It is so awesome to watch the players compete against one another, zipping around the court with their sleek rugby-chairs, defending the ball with all kinds or incredible tactics that one needs to see to fully appreciate. The match was a semi-qualifying game between the US and Canada. Of course, the US kicked booty, and they actually go on to compete in the finals against Australia tonight.

It has been really fascinating and encouraging to see how the Chinese have so wholeheartedly embraced the Paralympics. Everywhere you go in Beijing, there are banners and billboards announcing the presence of the games. The events are mob scenes...people seem so proud to be present to cheer both the Chinese and international athletes on as they compete. I don't think they could have picked a better place to have the Olympics and Parlaympics, from the standpoint of the sheer numbers of people here alone. It must be such an awesome feeling for the athletes, to put their best foot forward in front of tens of thousands of people each time they are in competition.

I've been reflecting a lot on the concept of the Paralympics, and what it must mean personally for so many of the athletes who are here. Last night, we attended a number of the track events...I watched disabled athletes from Kenya, Tunisia, Morocco, and Vietnam win metals after pouring their hearts and souls out at the track. It is humbling to think about the challenges these athletes have risen above having disabilities in nations where people who have limited physical capacities are often shunned and marginalized. It is even more humbling to try to imagine everything these individuals have gone through to train to be become the best in the world in their sports, to raise the money to sponsor their own training and expenses to compete in the Paralympics, and to keep pushing ahead when many others have told them they could never be successful. Watching these athletes perform, I wondered why it is that we don't honor and celebrate the paralympics more than we do the olympics.

Cheri has had a long, challenging week of competition. Last night she completed one of her last events, the 800M women's wheelchair race. After "pushing her guts out (as she likes to put it)", she placed fourth, coming behind a Chinese racer and two of her American team mates. She also placed fourth in the 400M and 5000M events last week. Though she hasn't medaled during these Paralympics, her accomplishment is marked by her taking the lead as the captain of the US women's wheelchair racing team, by her serving as an International Paralympic Committee ambassador, her position as 7-time Paralympic medalist, and by her having completed her training for this paralympics in the midst of finishing up medical school. There is no meterstick, time-clock, or medal that could measure Cheri's success. I am so incredibly proud to be her close friend and fan.

We’ve been planning out the details of our travels to follow the close of the Paralympics. Initially we were feeling that we would visit Xi’an and Schezuan provinces, in order to see as much of the country as possible in our time here. However, we asked the advice of one of Cheri’s friends who has lived in China for 22 years about what part of the country we had to see before leaving. He suggested that we visit a small town in the Southeastern part of the country, called Yangshuo. When Jimmy described Yangshuo as perhaps the most beautiful and natural part of China, Cheri and I felt that there was no other place we’d rather be for our down-time. I can’t wait to witness it for myself.

Tomorrow marks the end of the Paralympics. Cheri will close out her triumphs by completing the marathon, and we will all attend the closing ceremony in the evening, with thousands of other people from all over the globe.

Beijing!! (composed 9/13/08)

2008-09-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

Here I am, yes, in China. So incredible! I've been planning this journey for a while now. When one of my closest friends from medical school, Cheri, told me that she had qualified for the US paralympic women's wheelchair racing team and invited me to come cheer her on at the paralympics in Beijing, there was no way that I could see myself missing this opportunity. In March of this year, I got to see Cheri win the Los Angeles marathon, a race that guaranteed her spot on paralympic team. It was phenomenal watching her then, and I'm sure it will be phenomenal watching her here in Beijing.

Cheri is perhaps the most amazing person that I know. She was injured when she was one year old on her parents' farm, and has been without full use of her lower extremities since. She began wheelchair racing in high school, and quickly found a passion that she was exceptional at. Her drive and motivation to succeed catapulted her into an over 10 year long career in professional wheel-chair racing, marked by her victories in multiple marathons around the world and now in three paralympics. The last 5 years of her triumphs in sports have been marked by balancing that aspect of her life with her studies at Stanford Medical school. So yes, in June of 2009 not only will she be a paralympic medalist, but she will also be a physician.

I traveled here on September 11th to spend a week in Beijing cheering Cheri on along side her parents, Judy and Barney, as she races against women from across the world. After the paralympic games are over on the 17th, Cheri and I will spend a week traveling within China, seeing a few historical sites. So far we have it in our plans to visit Xi'an, an old and beautiful city where the 8th wonder of the world, the Terracotta warriors, are located. We then may head to Sichuan province to experience its awesome cuisine! We're planning on working out some more of the details of the latter half of our trip today, so stay tuned!

Judy and Barney were so wonderful to have met me at the airport on friday afternoon when I arrived. The Chinese government has put a lot into building up Beijing further in preparation for the olympics, and one of the endeavors they undertook in this process was extending the subway system. So Barney and Judy hopped on the subway to get me, and then we rode back together to our hotel. They're so sweet...they know I'm a financially pressed resident that had to save up for my plane ticket for this trip for over a year (lol), and thus they offered me the couch of their hotel suite so that I'd have a place to crash in Beijing. We are staying in Chaoyang, not far from Beijing's world trade center. Chaoyang is a side of town that is known to be popular amongst the city's young people for its vibrant lounges, cafes, and bars. I'll wait to Cheri is done with the games and can have a little celebratory toast to start exploring those aspects of the neighborhood (smile).

Since I've been here, I have enjoyed some of the must-see sights of the city, relaxing, and taking in lots of yummy food. Yesterday Cheri and I went to the Forbidden City, an amazing ancient city within Beijing, that was built in 1420. The Forbidden City functioned for nearly half a century as the living grounds and political center for generations of China's emporors from both the Ming and Ching Dynasties. It is absolutely breath-taking. I spent about 3 hours wandering around it, in awe of the colors and shapes that make up the buildings. When I was done I walked over to Tiananmen Square and just felt so incredibly blessed by the fact that I have been fortunate enough to visit my 5th continent this year. I can't believe I'm in China!!

So far, I have mostly found Beijing's people to be warm and helpful. They seem very proud to have been hosts of the olympic games and to now be hosting the paralympics. Cheri says that this has been the most impressive paralympics by far that she has attended. At every event that she has competed in and every game that she has watched, the stadiums have been packed. She feels this is a testimony to how much the Chinese have supported and honored paralympic athletes and their sports. The city is clad with signs announcing the presence of the paralympics and there is much excitement in the air. I'm going to my first sporting event tonight, a men's rugby match. I'm sure it's going to be awesome.

I'm clearly quite the spectacle here. I guess you can just say that tall, African-American women with dreadlocks are not all that abundant in Beijing (lol). Throughout the day yesterday while I was at the Forbidden City, I had multiple, multiple people come up to me and ask if they could take my picture (so weird!!). During a trolley ride, a woman pulled my hair and seemed to be stroking it in amazement. When I travel, I am constantly reminded of what a privilege it is to grow up and live in such a diverse setting like many of us are lucky to experience in the United States. Could you ever imagine running up to a White person or an Asian person in utter amazement, because you had rarely seen someone who looks like them?

The food has been one of the highlights so far. Last night, I went to dinner with Cheri's family and the family members of a number of the other athletes on her team. We went to a traditional peking duck restaurant that served the Chinese delicacy exactly as it is supposed to be eaten: finely carved, with Chinese pancakes, scallions, and cucmber slices. And of course, plum sauce to finish it off. Though I'm veggie and fish alone at home, I had to have the Beijing experience...people say you can't leave Beijing without having tried it! And I've had plenty of yummy Shechuan style vegetarian cuisine. So delicious!

Tomorrow is the Mid-Autumn Festival, which celebrates the point in september at which the moon is at its fullest. The tradition is to celebrate by eating mooncakes and spending time with loved ones. We had mooncakes and admired the beautiful, shining moon together on friday night.

Tomorrow Cheri races the 800 meter. Send lots of prayers and fast vibes her way!

www.cheriblauwet.com

http://www.paralympic.org/release/Main_Sections_Menu/index.html

Mooncakes

Prep Time: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Ingredients:

Filling:
1 pound red azuki beans
water
3/4 cup vegetable oil
1-3/4 cups sugar
Water-Shortening Dough:
2 cups flour
5 tablespoons shortening
10 tablespoons water
1/4 teaspoon salt
Flaky Dough:
1 cup flour
5 tablespoons shortening
red food coloring for design

Preparation:

Filling Instructions: Soak red beans in water to cover 2 hours. Drain and discard the water. Cover with 8 cups fresh water and bring to a boil, then simmer over low heat 1-1/2 hours or until skins open. Strain the beans and discard the skins. Place the strained beans in several layers of cheesecloth and squeeze out any excess water.
Place in a saucepan with the lard or oil and the sugar. Cook, stirring continuously, until almost all the moisture has evaporated. Let cool.

Dough Instructions: You will need 2 cups of filling for the mooncakes. Divide this into 20 portions and shape into balls.Mix ingredients for the water-shortening dough and the flaky dough separately until smooth. Divide each dough into 20 equal portions.
Wrap one portion of flaky dough inside each portion of water-shortening dough. Roll out each piece of dough, then fold in thirds to form three layers. Roll out again, and once more fold in thirds to form three layers.
Flatten each piece of dough with the palm of your hand to form a 3" circle. Place one portion of filling in the center. Gather the edges to enclose the filling and pinch to seal. Place the filled packet in the mold, gently pressing to fit. Invert and remove the mold.
Dilute red food coloring with water and pour onto a damp paper towel on a plate. Take some food coloring onto the cookie-design stamp, then press on top of the mooncake.
Repeat process for remaining mooncakes. Arrange mooncakes on a baking sheet. Bake 20 minutes at 350 degrees. Let cool before serving.

(This recipe reprinted with permission from GourMAsia).

I want to...

2008-09-08T03:44:00.001-07:00

...sip a cup of soup at a cafe while wearing a warm sweater and talking to a handsome gentleman.

....ride a camel on the beach in morocco.

...paint my toenails navy blue.

...sleep in on a saturday morning and be awoken by the sunlight at 10am, cozy blanket tucked beneath my chin.

....meet my soul mate.

...know who my soul mate is if I've already met him.

...dance in my pajamas to Cindi Lauper.

...teach a class on health and human rights in the developing world at Stanford (one day, when I know enough :-) )

...bake a batch of fancy chocolate chip cookies with sea salt sprinkled on top (did you see the NY times recipe??)

...keep smiling and stay hopeful, come what may.

Chocolate Chip Cookies (Adapted from Jacques Torres)

Time: 45 minutes (for 1 6-cookie batch), plus at least 24 hours’ chilling

2 cups minus 2 tablespoons
(8 1/2 ounces) cake flour
1 2/3 cups (8 1/2 ounces) bread flour
1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt
2 1/2 sticks (1 1/4 cups) unsalted butter
1 1/4 cups (10 ounces) light brown sugar
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons (8 ounces) granulated sugar
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons natural vanilla extract
1 1/4 pounds bittersweet chocolate disks or fèves, at least 60 percent cacao content (see note)
Sea salt.

1. Sift flours, baking soda, baking powder and salt into a bowl. Set aside.

2. Using a mixer fitted with paddle attachment, cream butter and sugars together until very light, about 5 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Stir in the vanilla. Reduce speed to low, add dry ingredients and mix until just combined, 5 to 10 seconds. Drop chocolate pieces in and incorporate them without breaking them. Press plastic wrap against dough and refrigerate for 24 to 36 hours. Dough may be used in batches, and can be refrigerated for up to 72 hours.

3. When ready to bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or a nonstick baking mat. Set aside.

4. Scoop 6 3 1/2-ounce mounds of dough (the size of generous golf balls) onto baking sheet, making sure to turn horizontally any chocolate pieces that are poking up; it will make for a more attractive cookie. Sprinkle lightly with sea salt and bake until golden brown but still soft, 18 to 20 minutes. Transfer sheet to a wire rack for 10 minutes, then slip cookies onto another rack to cool a bit more. Repeat with remaining dough, or reserve dough, refrigerated, for baking remaining batches the next day. Eat warm, with a big napkin.

Yield: 1 1/2 dozen 5-inch cookies.

Note: Disks are sold at Jacques Torres Chocolate; Valrhona fèves, oval-shaped chocolate pieces, are at Whole Foods.

Terrible things happen

2008-09-05T02:46:00.000-07:00

I was sleeping during the day on wednesday, after a not so stressful but painfully long night-shift at work. I often have trouble sleeping during the day, so I woke up a few times throughout the morning. I decided to get out of bed at about three in the afternoon, feeling frustrated and unsettled by my inability to sleep well. By chance (because I don't generally check my voice mails or text messages often), I decided to check my cell phone to see if I had missed any calls while asleep. That's when I saw a text from Erica, my neighbor, which hinted at an occurence that I hoped I'd never have to experience (yet that unfortunately might be inevitable if you live in Baltimore City).

"Your car has been broken into."

I blinked twice and rubbed my eyes, hoping for a moment that I might have been delirious from lack or sleep. Then I thought, "is this a cruel joke?" I hung my head, took a deep breath, and called Erica.

"Nooo. Are you serious???" Were the first words that came out of my mouth. "Why??"

I grew up in a city. I know all the rules of making your car look barren so that anyone looking for something to steal has no reason to believe there's anything inside to take. And parking as close to your house as possible as often as possible so that people know that the car likely belongs to someone who lives on the block. There are lots of older cars on the block that are just has humble looking as mine. Why would someone possibly do this at all, and more specifically, why to my car?

"I'm sorry this is happened to you...it's happened to me twice since I've lived here. It's happened to one of our neighbors 5 times. This time of the year is the worst, when the Hopkins kids are coming back to school and constantly leave expensive lap tops and cell phones in the back seats of their cars. It's crazy.", said Erica.

"How come no one remembered to tell me this before I moved in, when they were going on and on about all the awesome things about Charles Village and this block in particular?"

I went outside to confirm what Erica had told me, and found the driver's side front window of my car completely smashed to pieces. I often want to think that people are driven to do good, and that despite their circumstances they will think about the consequences of their actions before acting. Yet Wednsday I was reminded that people are not always good, and that sometimes, life is just frustrating and unfair.

With Erica's help, I was able to coordinate pretty quickly to have my window fixed and to report the incident to the police. Though things turned out okay in the end, I can't help but feel incredibly violated and disappointed. I know I made a good decision to move where I did, and I love my little house. But this feeling sucks, and there is without a doubt a tiny voice in the back of my mind that questions whether or not it was absolutely the right decision.

I guess sometimes I'm better at being an optimist than others. Today, the glass looks a little more half empty. I'm down on Baltimore right now, and missing California more than ever.

Urban Gardener

2008-09-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

One of the highlights of my day is taking care of the plants and folliage on my back patio. When I was house hunting in the spring, a back patio or garden area was high on my "must-haves in a home" list. The couple who owned the house prior to me had a beautiful Japenese Akida that spent a lot of her time on the back patio, and thus there was little motivation for keeping it up (plus, it's rumored that people steal pots, plants, and yes, even patio furniture out of people's back yards in Baltimore, so why bother going overboard??). Needless to say, when I moved into my house I had a lot of work to do cleaning up the back. I initially spent about an hour and a half one evening after work pulling up weeds from the cracks in between the brick patio floor. It was a valiant attempt, but unfortunately the weeds ended up growing back twice as thick and high. By the end of July I had a little jungle in my back yard!!

With a vision of a perfect patio in my mind, I ended up soliciting the help of my wonderful neighbor, Erica, for a solution to the problem. Erica owns a self-founded green-cleaning company through which she employs current Baltimore City public school students (they actually cleaned my home before I moved into it). Though their schedule is packed, I begged her to have one of her young employees come over and revamp the back yard. I was so pleased when I came home one day to find it sparkling clean, without a trace of weeds to be found anywhere!! So on my birthday weekend, I had new found inspiration for adding a splash of color to my back-yard haven. I went to the Baltimore Farmer's Market on my birthday and bought lots of pretty floral plants to re-pot. For all of $15 bucks, I added a new sense of joy to my long days.

Every day, I look forward to coming home and seeing how my plants are doing. They are so pretty, pink and purple, full green leaves. They make me so happy! I prune them, water them, and love them. It takes my mind off of the hustle and bustle, even if for only for 15 minutes a day. I have one hanging plant with bright magenta flowers that I forgot to water for a day or two which isn't doing so well now, but hopefully she will perk up.

I also bought some mint, basil, and lemon balm to put down along the side of the patio, with the thought that it would be super fun to start my own little herb garden in the back! Unfortunately, the friendly neighborhood creepy crawlers (aka city rodents :-) ) also thought that was an awesome idea, and decided to help themselves to my mint. I was so sad to find it half eaten one morning when I woke up! I was able to salvage a portion of the plant and repotted it into a pot that now sits on my patio table....it seems to be doing much better in it's new location. The creepy crawlers thought they would try a sampling of the basil also, but they must have hated it because it has kept them far away! (interestly, basil is used in some organic pesticides that I've seen in Whole Foods). The lemon balm has just blossomed and is growing fully. I make tea with it on evenings when I'm relaxing at home. I tried to take some of the lavendar from my friend Edith's front yard and transplant it into the herb garden, but it died in a few days :-( Maybe I'll look into the best way to grow lavendar. I'm inspired by the following recipe...who says you can't be a gardener in the middle of the city??

Lavender Sorbet (about.com)

1 cup s ugar
2 cups water
1 tablespoon culinary lavender flowers (food grade)
2 1/2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon j uice2 tablespoons vodka

In a medium saucepan over medium heat, combine sugar and water until the sugar dissolves. Add the lavender flowers; stir until mixture comes to a boil; reduce heat to low and simmer 5 minutes. Remove from heat, cover, and let stand approximately 10 minutes.
Place a fine strainer over a large bowl and pour syrup mixture through (straining out the lavender flowers). Add lemon juice and vodka to the strained syrup mixture; stir until thoroughly blended.
NOTE: The vodka (or any other type of alcohol) is the secret to a soft sorbet. Alcohol itself does not freeze and adding a little bit keeps the sorbet from doing the same. Vodka is excellent to use because it doesn't affect the taste.
Ice Cream Maker - Transfer mixture to ice cream maker, process according to manufacturer's instructions.
Freezer Method - Pour into container, cover, and place mixture in the freezer. When it is semi-solid, mash it up with a fork and refreeze again. When frozen, place in a food processor or blender and process until smooth. Cover and refreeze until serving time.

NOTE: Can be prepared 3 days in advance. Cover and keep frozen.

Makes 8 to 10 servings.

5:00am...sleepy kids

2008-09-02T02:00:00.001-07:00

On BMT-heme nights now, covering the hematology and bone-marrow transplant patients. It's always tough "flip-flopping" for nights; you're up all night and forced to sleep during the day when you get off so you're not working while extremely tired. It's so important to be awake enough to be hyper vigilant when taking care of these kids...a fever in a kid with so few white cells that the lab can't even run a differential is very different from a fever in any other child.

As odd as it is being up in the whee-hours of the morning, there's a calm that covers the children's center at this time. There's a sense of solace I get when I know all of my kids are all tucked in, sleeping silently and for once not being stirred by the hustle and bustle of everything that happens around here during the day. They are asleep just like all the other kids who are at home in there beds, resting up for the next day at school. During the whee-hours of the morning, my kids, for once, just get to be sleepy little children.

California Dreams

2007-07-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Here I am, nearly at the end of July, closing up my first month of residency. I can't say that it seems as though the time is flying. Each day presents a new obstacle, and I am definitely missing my life as a medical student. As much of a "twenty-four hour coca-cola commercial" that Stanford and Palo Alto was, I developed a sense of peace and happiness there that helped to ground me throughout the challenges of medical school. The situations I have seen over the course of the last three weeks, both in working with my patients and living in Baltimore in general, have been eye-opening. Life has taken on a new and sobering dimension...I am realizing both the difficult and phenomenally exciting aspects of one's work as a physician. At the same time, as I spend more and more hours at the hospital, I am gripped with fear :-) when I think about the fact that I will not get much time for travel to Africa over the next three years. The thought of giving up that aspect of my life is almost paralyzing...but I hang on to my determination to make the time for it, to preserve the relationships I've already formed and to continue developing new connections to the continent. I think a recent conversation I had with a friend over email summarizes my thoughts and reflections about my recent life changes:

"I cried when I left California...I grew so much in my time there, and think I learned a ton about life and myself in my five years there. I feel a real emotional connection to that part of the country, and miss it every day.
From graduation at Stanford I came back to Baltimore, and it has been non-stop with residency ever since. After a week of orientation I started on nights, and am now in the pediatric emergency department. The responsibility is often overwhelming, and the work is tiring. My first night of work a 5 month old baby coded in the emergency room and died...I was doing chest compressions before I even knew how to put orders into the system. Kind of a wake-up call to what I am taking on in my career as a a physician. I've also been a bit taken aback by the poverty and desparate social circumstances many of my patients here in Baltimore are facing. I only pray that I can help them somehow. At the forefront of my mind right now is just learning how to get good at my job...learning the system, becoming more efficient, becoming more of a critical thinker (all things that come with experience, of course). And there are definitely bright spots through it all. Looking at the faces of those kids...its just amazing. One night I had a 6 year old little girl who has a serious brain cancer on one of the units I was cross-covering, and I needed to do an arterial puncture on her (a very painful, yet necessary procedure, so that we could send her blood for lab work). She cried and cried throughout the procedure, and I felt so awful. Later that night I went into her room and told her I was sorry for hurting her, and asked if she was still my friend. She said, "Of course! Can I have a hug?" It is moments like those that make all of the hard times worth it.
And of course, through this all, I am thinking about how this experience will make me a better doctor, so that hopefully some day I can do good things for kids in Africa. You asked me what I love about Africa so much...that's a question that I could spend over an hour answering. But in short, there is a connection I feel to Africa than is stronger than I have felt to any other place I have spent time. When I am there, I feel comfortable, and in many ways, like I am in my element. The people whom I have met in my journeys there have changed me for the better, and I feel that as long as I am able to give back to the continent, I will. "

Reality sets in

2007-06-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

So here I am, in Baltimore, getting ready to start my pediatric residency at Johns Hopkins Hospital. At this point, there's so many thoughts an emotions that are overwhelming me. The excitement about finally being a doctor is incredible. Yet I'm feeling that excitement in the midst of feeling terrified about my first day on the wards, dealing with all the adjustments that come along with living in a new town, and realizing that my life is going to be drastically different as an intern than it was as a med student.
In all honesty, a part of me is mouring the loss of my old life. I will miss the days of getting to learn just for learning sake, being able to read up on something at leisure without the pressures of needing to obtain information so that a clinical decision can be made. I will miss my lazy afternoons that were abundant in the weeks leading up to graduation, my long telephone conversations with friends, and my long works in Northern Cali. I'm just going to miss my free time. I got a snapshot of what to expect over the next year when I received my work schedule for the next several months; I am working overnight on July 4th, which means that I am going to be missing the fun party that my roommates are throwing on our roof-top deck (from which one can get an amazing view of the fireworks). Initially I wasn't too bummed out about it, thinking that I would hopefully have off at least one day of labor day weekend. And then I got my schedule for August and September...and realized that I'm working 12 hour shifts (9a-9p) Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I've told myself in the past, "this is the life I've chosen, and I love what I do." But at some point, you've just gotta admit when things suck!!
Despite all this, I am really ready to get started with work. I'm looking forward to getting back on the wards, having my own patient panel at my continunity clinic, and just finally being able to do what I've dreamed of for so long. I'll be on "night float" first, working from 7p-7a covering several of the inpatient services. It's going to be awesome.